If you’re up for a kilt-filled weekend, head for St. Louis for the Highland Games this Saturday! In honor of this auspicious gathering I offer the following thoughts:

Q: What’s the range of a bagpipe?

A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

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Q: What’s the definition of “perfect pitch”.

A: When you throw a bagpipe into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.

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Q: What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

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Q: What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

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Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A: You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end….it would be a good idea.

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And my personal favorite: “I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”

— Alfred Hitchcock

(Yeah, it’s a silly Monday. Roll with it…)